Race and Identity in Transracial Adoption: Suggestions for Adoptive Parents

I recently read an article titled, "Race and Identity in Transracial Adoption: Suggestions for Adoptive Parents" from the Adoption Advocate, No. 38 that is put out by the National Council for Adoption.

It was an interesting topic for me because my little boy is multiracial.  I would definitely recommend it for anyone that has adopted a child who is a different race than their own or who is considering transracial adoption.

Here are just a few of my favorite parts...

"Staci, a mother of three biological children as well as one adopted Ethiopian-born son, recalls feeling blindsided when a visitor to their home remarked on the fact that her son, unlike his siblings, had “darker skin”: “Until that moment, my sweet four-year-old [daughter] had never noticed that she and her brother were different. And now it was done. I came to the conclusion that I will never let another human teach my children things I want to have first dibs on, if I can help it. Later, sure, I don’t want to be the Be All and End All of my children’s worldviews. But on sensitive, important topics like where babies come from, the fact that our family looks different, racism…I decided I want to lay the groundwork for these vital dialogues with my kids, not do damage control after someone brings up the topic for me, possibly in ways I don’t like. This means starting earlier than I ever intended. So we talk about color a lot more. We notice it… We bring it up. We buy and check out books that help facilitate our conversations.”

While she knows that educating her children about race is important, Staci admits it can also be exceedingly difficult for her. Yet, as she points out, she is unwilling to allow any of her children, particularly her adopted son, to be shocked and unprepared when confronted with these issues outside the safe confines of their family. “[My children] can no longer believe in a world where it doesn’t matter what you look like. Because in our family that might be true, but it’s not true everywhere,” says Staci. “I feel I’ve done the right thing. I hope it will make them stronger. I hope it will set the stage for more talks.”

I really appreciated her sharing her experiences.  All I see when I look at Noah is my little boy but I know others sometimes look at us and see two different races.  I have had multiple experiences where people have commented about this (some respectfully, some not quite as much).  He's too young right now to have any idea what people might be talking about and I have often wondered how I am going to handle those situations when he is old enough to understand what they are saying.  I always want Noah to be proud of all aspects of who he is and I know that needs to start at home.

This next part was written to help adoptee's but I think it is also helpful for adoptive parents in these kinds of situations.

"In her workshops with adoptees, Dr. Vonk often uses Marilyn Schoettle’s W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook. “By teaching the W.I.S.E. Up! model, we try to give children at least four possible ways to respond to intrusive questions or comments that make them uncomfortable. The first choice, the ‘W,’ is to ‘Walk away’; simply leave that uncomfortable situation. The second choice, ‘It’s private,’ lets them tell the other person that this is none of their business. The third choice, ‘Share something,’ gives them the option to share a more personal response – only if they are comfortable doing so. The fourth choice, ‘Educate,’ is an opportunity to educate the other person about adoption in general, perhaps transracial adoption specifically. We practice role play in our groups so the kids learn that there are different times and places for different sorts of responses, and they have the power to choose what their response will be based on what feels right to them. They understand that they cannot control what questions or comments they receive, but they can control how they choose to respond.”

You can find the article in it's entirety here.  It's a little long but it's worth it!

What have your experiences been when discussing adoption or race with your children or others you come in conact with?